Tears ~ Let Them Come

Two months have passed since my mom died.  My heart continues to hurt and I often just don't know what to do with that hurt.  And that has often been confusing and unsettling for me.  Tonight God, in his most intimate way, used the words of Augustine and thoughts from the book Captivating to assure me that the death of my mom and the hurt and wounds I feel from my loss do matter and I don't need to be confused or unsettled about the hurt I feel.  This is the message God sent me tonight.

"As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, 'The tears . . . streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.' Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there - the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. No one understands. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.  Let them come."  (Captivating)

And I would add... the tears of a daughter who misses her mom and all her beautiful and crazy traits. The tears of a daughter who can no longer call and listen to her mother's voice. The tears of a daughter who, while out shopping, sees things she would like to buy for her mom but now can't. The tears of a daughter who wants to keep redecorating her mom's house and watch her continue to sneak in her eclectic decor. The tears of a daughter who just wants to snuggle with and get hugs from her mom. The tears of a daughter who wishes her mom could be here to wipe away the tears. 

So as they (tears) come and come they do, I am reminded and am so thankful that God hears my prayers, sees my tears, and promises to heal (2 Kings 20:5).  I am reminded that my wounds matter.  I am reminded and eternally grateful that I have a wonderful hope that there is coming a day when God will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death will be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore (Rev 21:4).  And when that day comes, both my mom and I will be together again and we will both be just who he created us to be ~ oh, what a wonderful day that will be!  Until then, my tears will flow and I will find comfort in knowing that God sees my tears ~ and not only does he see them ~  he keeps an account of every one of them (Ps 56:8)! And I will find comfort in the hope that lies ahead.