Tears ~ Let Them Come

Two months have passed since my mom died.  My heart continues to hurt and I often just don't know what to do with that hurt.  And that has often been confusing and unsettling for me.  Tonight God, in his most intimate way, used the words of Augustine and thoughts from the book Captivating to assure me that the death of my mom and the hurt and wounds I feel from my loss do matter and I don't need to be confused or unsettled about the hurt I feel.  This is the message God sent me tonight.

"As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, 'The tears . . . streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.' Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there - the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. No one understands. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.  Let them come."  (Captivating)

And I would add... the tears of a daughter who misses her mom and all her beautiful and crazy traits. The tears of a daughter who can no longer call and listen to her mother's voice. The tears of a daughter who, while out shopping, sees things she would like to buy for her mom but now can't. The tears of a daughter who wants to keep redecorating her mom's house and watch her continue to sneak in her eclectic decor. The tears of a daughter who just wants to snuggle with and get hugs from her mom. The tears of a daughter who wishes her mom could be here to wipe away the tears. 

So as they (tears) come and come they do, I am reminded and am so thankful that God hears my prayers, sees my tears, and promises to heal (2 Kings 20:5).  I am reminded that my wounds matter.  I am reminded and eternally grateful that I have a wonderful hope that there is coming a day when God will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death will be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore (Rev 21:4).  And when that day comes, both my mom and I will be together again and we will both be just who he created us to be ~ oh, what a wonderful day that will be!  Until then, my tears will flow and I will find comfort in knowing that God sees my tears ~ and not only does he see them ~  he keeps an account of every one of them (Ps 56:8)! And I will find comfort in the hope that lies ahead.

.Thoughts on Sadness and God's Perfect Ways

The flowers live by the tears that fall

   From the sad face of the skies;

And life would have no joys at all,

   Were there no watery eyes.

Love thou thy sorrow: grief shall bring

   Its own excuse in after years;

The rainbow! - see how fair a thing

   God hath built up from tears.

~ Henry S. Sutton ~

The Lord hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm.

Nahum 1:3

Lord,
I know your ways are not our ways and even though it is hard sometimes - and especially right now, for me - I give thanks for your ways because they are good - they are part of your perfect eternal plan.  I give thanks and I trust in your promises.  Tonight, I cling to the promise from Isaiah 40 ~ your promise to comfort your people and your promise to gather your lambs and hold them close to your heart.

 I love you, mom and am so thankful that God, in his perfect way and plan, chose you for my mom!

Total Abandonment!

James 1:2-6

 Count it all joy my brothers (sisters), when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith with no doubting for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 

I have absolutely no reason to not trust every part of my life to God.  None.  Every part of my life is totally in his hands - the hands of the one who created me
~ the one "whose eyes saw my unformed substance",  the one who in his "book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them" ~ the one who loves me like no other, and the one who has promised me eternal life ~ the gift of God.  Yet, there are areas in life where my faith wavers ~ I become unsteady; I begin to fail or give way. I abandon (don't trust him with certain things or situations) God rather than being totally abandoned (giving up the control) to God. 
I abandon God each time I take control of my life.  When I am fearful.  When I worry.  When I am anxious.  When I try to fix things or fix people.  When I am totally abandoned to God I can rest in spite of the trials and the hard stuff that comes my way.  From the small, unimportant things such as missing a flight from Alabama to Arizona, to the bigger, more important things such as hearing that your mom has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and is in stage 4, I must and I want to be totally abandoned to God knowing that I can trust him in all things ~ he is and always will be, no matter how difficult the situation and no matter the outcome ~ faithful. 

Hebrews 10:23 ~ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

May I be found faithful to him in every area of my life.

My beautiful mom with my beautiful daughter, Jessica.
My heart is hurting and sad but I rest knowing that God is in control and that every part (including the cancer) of my mom's life is in his hands.
I love you, mom, and am so thankful God chose to give me such a wonderful gift ~ you as my mom.
I love you too, Jessica.

 

Thirty-three years ago today, April 14, 1978, I was given a precious gift.

~ Leah Joy ~

Scripture tells us that "Children are a gift from above."

God gives us such wonderful gifts  ~

children and grandchildren included!. 

His greatest gift to us is him! 

Oswald Chambers says, "Eternal life is not a gift from God; eternal

life is the gift of God." Tonight, I ponder his idea that eternal life has

nothing to do with time (how often do we think of eternal life in just that way?).

"Eternal life is Jesus coming to give us an endless supply of life ~

a life that is filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:19)." 

(My Utmost for His Highest)

A life filled with all the fulness of God!  

Having this endless supply of life is eternal life!

Father, Thank you for the gift of eternal life - the gift of you.

Thank you for a life filled with all the fulness of you.

Thank you for all your wonderful gifts!

Thank you for the gift of children -

and tonight, especially for Leah!

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord,

my soul shall exult in my God,

for he has clothed me with the garments

of salvation.

Isaiah 61:10

Beauty for ashes
A garment of praise for my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
Take this heart of stone
and make it Yours
         ~Shane and Shane~

I am creating my own blog at the suggestion of others. I don't know what each blog will bring, but it is my prayer that each one will be encouraging and edifying to those who read them while bringing glory to the one who bestows beauty for ashes.  Our lives are stories and my story is one of redemption ~ a story of beauty for ashes.  Just as promised in Isaiah 61, God has comforted me in my mourning. He has given me a beautiful headdress instead of ashes; the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit.  All this that I might be called an oak of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified!  How amazing and how great is His love!  Thank you, Father, for bestowing beauty for ashes!